The word “chronic” never crossed my mind in my youth.  I always thought that was a word associated with old people.

I played soccer and rode my bike for years. I felt invincible in my 20’s and 30’s. I was playing soccer and basketball, on various leagues, well into my 40’s. At age 45, I tore my ACL playing soccer in a local coach’s tournament.  The pain and recovery was rough and I felt elated when I could finally walk again. 

I soon realized I was not the same physically and mentally, since I could not do the same things I did previously. Mentally, it takes a toll on a father — I could not do the same activities  with my daughter and son as I once did.   Although I tried, I had fears of hurting myself again and did not want to impact my job in terms of recovery and missing work.

When I turned 50, I started to have health issues, anxiety, fatigue, and in general, just lost my energy and zest for life and activities.   I was diagnosed with a blood disorder, hemochromatosis, and also was going through a lot in my personal life. The result of the two issues caused me to feel overwhelmed with anxiety.  These issues made me feel that I could not live up to my responsibilities as a spouse and as a dad.  I hid a lot of my symptoms from family and friends.   A few times, I had co-workers ask me if I was ok — they saw me lose balance and helped encourage me, along with my family, to go to a doctor. After seeing my doctor and taking corrective measures, I did start to feel better however, I started to self-medicate with alcohol.

Drinking took away my anxiety, however it caused a new issue. I didn’t think I had a problem, but the people in my life began to ask questions. Eventually, it began to affect my wife and family. I wasn’t in the real world and other people began to recognize that. Getting a DUI was a big wakeup call, and it made me realize I needed to stop and think. You realize that you could hurt yourself and someone else — you don’t want to be that person.

In my mid 50’s, I wound up in a motorcycle accident. I simply rode around the block and got blindsided by a deer. I broke my leg and fractured my neck. I felt like a complete mess and disgrace to my family. I felt like I couldn’t do anything, and that everybody had to take care of me. I felt like a burden – I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do, my wife had to drive me everywhere, and it’s only recently that I am able to walk normally again. The pain I felt for my wife and kids has not left me. The endless hours of helping me and being my side is in my heart.

I know I have PTSD, as my anxiety and physical recovery has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. I know I am not the same person after the accident. The impact of the accident has been what I consider to be chronic. This way of being has become my new normal.

As an older man now,  I do know what the word “chronic” means. It means that you learn to deal with the weakest parts of your soul and manage those parts to be as normal as you can be.   I have learned many lessons from the people that have helped and encouraged me.   Thank God for family and the love they have to always make you feel “normal”.

This blog was written by Mark Jensen of New York.